Helping Your Student Live With a Roommate

Most students attending college today have never shared a room. Particularly in older residence facilities in traditional halls, rooms are small and storage space may be limited. Hopefully your student will move into the residence hall and hit it off great with their roommate. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

There are things that you can do to help your student establish a healthy relationship with a roommate. There are also things that you as a parent should keep in mind if your student experiences a roommate conflict, along with just some general things that you need to know.

Tips for helping your student and their roommate get off to the right start:

1. Encourage your student to think in advance about their needs in a living situation, so they can communicate them to their roommate when they move into the hall. What are your student's needs in regards to quiet and study time in the room, how do they feel about overnight visitation, will they share personal belongings in the room, are they a morning or night person? These are just a few things that should be considered prior to move-in day. The most critical issue in a successful roommate relationship is honest open communication. Encourage discussions between your student and their roommate when they first move into the room, so that this information can be shared and guidelines established for how your student and their roommate will cohabit successfully in the room.
   
2. Don't make assumptions about your student's roommate before you meet them. Many people in society struggle with issues of difference, and it is unfortunately very easy to make assumptions about people prior to knowing them. Go into a rooming situation with an open mind and positive hopes. It is fairly typical for residence life/housing programs to not permit room changes for the first two weeks of a semester. The reasons for this are varied. Residence Life/Housing staff need time at the start of the year to assess who has checked in and who has not. As well, in many instances, initial problems with a roommate dissipate after two weeks, as roommates have had an opportunity to get to know each other and work through initial concerns.

When problems occur:

1. As much as you want to help, try to let your student handle this. Listen, support, encourage. As much as your first inclination might be to get involved, listen to and support your student, and encourage them to take the steps they need to solve the problem. By taking this approach, you will help your student develop valuable life skills.
   
2. If your student is having roommate problems, ask then whether they have brought the problems to the attention of their roommate. If you ask this question, you will find that in many instances your student may reply, "No". It is sometimes hard to change your behavior if you do not know that it is bothering someone. Encourage your student to share concerns with their roommates, and work towards resolution of the problem.
   
3. Encourage your student to discuss the roommate problem with the Residence Life Staff who manage the residence hall. Residence Life staff cannot help with a problem if they are unaware that it exists. Make sure your student brings problems to the attention of the Residence Life/Housing staff. The Resident Assistant has been specially trained to help mediate roommate conflicts. If they need help figuring out how to approach their roommate, the Resident Assistant can help with this. The Resident Assistant will most likely have your student approach their roommate alone to start with. After this has happened, they will get involved with both roommates to work towards resolving the problem. If the Resident Assistant is unable to resolve the roommate conflict, encourage your student to speak to the Resident Assistant's supervisor.
   
4. If your student is involved in a negative roommate situation that does not seem to be resolvable, encourage them to move. As miserable as they may be in a bad roommate situation, students are sometimes convinced that they should not have to move because they are right, and their roommate is wrong. Students who stubbornly stay in a negative roommate situation continue to suffer emotionally, personally, and sometimes academically. A healthy living situation should be a paramount concern, and as a parent you should encourage that your student leave an unhealthy situation if they find themselves in one.

Other Things You Need to Know:

1. Resolving a Negative Roommate Situation is very challenging. There are two perspectives in a roommate conflict, and as difficult as it might be to hear, as a parent/guardian you ane only getting the perspective of your student. Because roommate conflicts usually involve emotion and passion, whey are very difficult to sort through and resolve. Sometimes roommate conflicts are not resolved over night because they are complicated. Please keep this in mind when you speak with a member of the Residence Life/Housing staff about your student's roommate conflict.
   
2. Managing an irreconcilable roommate conflict: Although it is not the norm, some times roommate conflicts cannot be resolved. To deal with these situations, and when both roommates refuse to move, many residential life/housing offices have established an irreconcilable roommate policy. These policies typically state that in the event of an irreconcilable roommate conflict where neither roommate agrees to move, both roommates will be required to relocate to another room.