Lessons For College Bound Parents

By Ronald L. Martel,
Dean for Student Life
Northeastern University

• Death and taxes are the only constants in Life: Uncertainty and change may seem to dominate your son or daughter's life right now - learn to accept it!
• Trust in me! You've provided 17 years of values development for your child, now it's time to trust in his/her decision making.
• Offer advice only when asked. If it hasn't happened to this point in your relationship, it's time to become a sincere and active listener. "If you don't understand my silence...you'll never understand my words."
• The "outer limits." Parents need to find a comfort level where they can respond to frantic phone calls and emotional e-mails from their (in most cases) overreacting freshman. Allow time to elapse prior to responding or rushing in to fix a problem that in most cases will resolve itself.
• Don't allow the monkey on your back. Use your sound judgement and years of experience to guide your son or daughter. Don't allow them to place their responsibility on your shoulders.
• Accentuate the Positive. Acknowledge and accept your son or daughter's strengths and limitations, and, above all, never under or over estimate their capability.
• Check the Barometer: Anticipate real fluctuations in your son or daughter's moods and/or behavior. As a result of transition, they are encountering new and sometimes overwhelming pressures. Their college years are demanding so try not to trivialize their experience.
• Midlife Crisis: Empathize with your son or daughter that you are also in a state of transition and moving into a new chapter in your life (lives). You are facing similar issues of independence, identity, and intimacy.
• Chief Executive Officer: Understand that your son or daughter is now in charge of his or her life (not you)! They own their college experiences and the results. Your unconditional support is essential - your intervention may cause unnecessary frustration for both of you.
• Climb Every Mountain: Encourage your child to identify and reach for opportunities as he/she experience his/her own independence. Let them experiment with directions which may be different to the pathway you might have chosen.
• Cutting those apron strings: It's time to "let go." That doesn't mean removing yourself from your child's life. It means allowing your son or daughter to make independent and, at times, unorthodox decisions. It means being there to effectively communicate, clarifying, supporting, and above all, caring. It will allow your son or daughter to successfully mature and move towards adulthood.

...and remember, as parents we owe our children two things...a sound foundation on which to grow and develop and the opportunity to make their own mistakes.

About the Author

Ron Martel is the Dean for Student Life at Northeastern University in Boston, MA. He has been in Student Affairs administration for over 25 years and has been very active nationally in the Association of College and University Housing Officers, and the National Association of College Auxiliary Services. He is the father of four children - the eldest a junior at Northeastern University.