Learning to be a Parent Again as your Student Leaves for College

By Linda Koch,
Vice President of Student Affairs
Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania

Imagine yourself sitting in a large auditorium filled with other parents of new students about to experience their first day of class as a college student. Imagine what you are feeling and thinking about, as your very own child is seemingly too young to make decisions on his/her own, without your knowledge and direction. For one moment, remember what it was like to send this one off on the gigantic yellow school bus that swept him/her off to the first day of kindergarten or first grade? If you were the parent that was there, did you try to hold back the tears or the leap for joy as you became free to do things on your own timetable?

As we continue this journey, remember also what it was like for you when you left your family's home to either marry someone, enter the military service, go off to college or live on your own. Did your parents have any advice for you as you walked out the door and into a lifetime of decisions and confusion? Many say that the typical comment was not memorable, just "good bye" or "don't forget to write." The feelings of our own departure do not seem as painful for some reason as the ones you might be experiencing with your own child now leaving the nest.

Whether or not it is easy or difficult, you will be changing over the next several weeks and months into a parent who needs to show concern at the right moment and one that needs to decide how to stay involved with their student's life. There will be many opportunities to do so; you need to rely on all of your parenting skills to find the appropriate response.

College life then and now...

All too many of us watch movies that have been made about college life, you've seen them, and they are Animal House, 1-9! Actually, they are made for the public's entertainment and not very typical of what the college experience is all about. The movies are made so that you can enjoy odd behavior and most likely what students try to remember about their college experience. Few of us remember going to classes, tests, research papers, experiments and field trips. We do remember concerts, weekends away from campus and friends who did outrageous things with us as on-lookers.

College life in the twenty-first century still includes a roommate from outer space, a residence hall room that is so small it couldn't possibly be for two let alone three people, and classes after classes after classes of less than exciting lectures. There may be times when you wonder what you have paid a college or university to do to your student because it continues to provide you with frustration after frustration. Eventually, we are able to get it right and by then it's time for graduate school.

One of the most disturbing changes that take place within a family with a college-aged student is laundry behavior. It has taken a long time for you to decide which detergent is best for all of the family's clothing. Your student decides without your permission and input that this is no longer the soap of choice. Whether or not this is a serious matter, it is a sign that you are not the one who will control decision-making processes.

Another sign that may have already taken place before making the trip to the college or university of your choice is piercing of various body parts and tattooing some part of the body. It is no longer uncommon for young men and women to take control of their body parts and design imaginative permanent features of their individual personalities. In short, twelve earnings in one ear, a pierced tongue and purple hair is not usually part of the uniform you had hoped they could wear. Those are the things that others can see; I haven't mentioned other parts that even you might not know exist.

Believe it or not, you have lived through driving lessons and how much it costs to insure a teen-aged driver. Yes, he/she will remain a teen-ager at least for two of the four, five or even six years of undergraduate school. The monthly cost for his/her auto insurance is reminiscent of a full year's college tuition for those of us who attended college. I remember vividly a father learning what his son could become on their way to a summer orientation program. The son set the cruise control on 90 miles per hour and the father thought that his son would become a racecar driver.

College life has not changed a great deal except for all of the things that need to be brought to the campus to make your student duplicate what you currently provide in his/her room at your home. Long gone are the days that a radio, clothing and money [about $200 for books] fit into one vehicle with enough room for four adults to arrive on the campus. It is not uncommon for more than one large vehicle, a van or a truck to bring everything needed for half of a 12' x 14' room. This is the generation that on average watches 1,197 minutes of television per week! This is the computer generation that has simply exchanged one screen for a smaller one with lots of interactive games and e-mail accounts. Colleges and universities are trying to keep up with demands for more electrical power than ever before and we are not doing as well as we would hope.

How Has Your Role as a Parent Changed?

Most parents find it very easy to look at their student and remember the very first day they brought her/him home. All too often, we treat him/her as though they still need our immediate attention, just like they did at a very young age. It is very difficult to outgrow our need to be involved with every decision that is made the instant it needs to be made with this student.

When you sent her off to school, you began the process of letting go of your parental role, essentially that of controlling each and every moment. In case you have wondered where he learned to say words you don't use in your house, it was probably on the school bus or on the playground at school, at least we'd all like to think so! What school really provided your child was an opportunity to be with other people who may or may not be like them. The fight at recess may not have involved your child but you heard about it from him/her. All of the new things that the youngster down the block has to play with or wears to school became part of your household's measure of accomplishment because he/she expected it from you.

When he/she first learned to drive the car, and there were only a few years in between that and the first time you put him on the school bus, you immediately thought about how young he is and how old you are feeling! Sending her off to the prom, all dressed up and with the little kid she played with in the sand box are part of your growing experience as a parent.

Many times, students come to college with a great deal of experience that mom and dad are not aware of and, perhaps, just suspect might be the case. Students today may have tasted alcohol, might have experienced drugs, may have considered engaging in sex, and parents are not aware of it. Certainly, today's students are confronted with more choices than their parents. Those choices have more serious, and sometimes lethal, consequences. There are very few high school students who do not know of someone in their class, in their own family or have a friend who has been killed as a result of a drunk driving accident. It is very difficult for young people who have lost someone they know but it is also very important that they have help to work out their feelings of loss.

Today's parents confront a tremendous amount of confusion and even higher expectation to be everything to their children than ever before. The media provides you with many different suggestions and also with all too many conclusions about particular behavior and standards of acceptance. Parents have always been at fault when a child gets into trouble but we rarely commend those who have successfully raised a family with all of its complexity and done it well.

There is no such thing as a "Perfect Parent" even though every parent is in the contest with every decision he/she makes. Each one of us has a soft spot, very near the heart, that gets pushed in response to decisions that our children don't like. It's called an "I'm a rotten mother or father." Sometimes, it should be traded in for a newer version called, "I'm doing the best I know how."

Isn't it your goal to have your child make decisions for himself/herself? Don't you want him to have enough self-confidence that he will someday become successful? Certainly, it is your desires to have her learn to take risks that do not sacrifice her health or put her in danger. You want them to be responsible for themselves, to have a family someday, to chose a career and succeed in supporting themselves. You don't want to have to continue to support him/her financially throughout his/her life. Those are your goals as a parent and sending her to college should help you to achieve that.

What Happens When Things Get Mixed Up?

No matter what college or university you select, your student will always have some concern about the choice that has been made. There are too many different ways to disappoint students and their families when dealing with living accommodations, food services, classes, student loans, roommates, just to name a few.

Some families are so concerned they think that the university may have selected them for special treatment. They assigned the "roommate from h---," Animal House was filmed there and continues to live on, classes are taught by non-English speaking professors, no one speaks to your student, parking ticket revenue is doubled every time you visit your student, and long distance telephone charges couldn't possibly be that much!

When you were growing up, the telephone was a fixture that may have gathered more dust than use for calling others. Today's college student is very accustomed to picking up the phone and calling around the world to talk with people he/she has not met in person. The first month may be a learning experience for everyone concerned. There may need to be a limit on how much your student will be able to use the credit card but calling home may be something you need to talk about more than you thought.

There is no standard rule that I am aware of in terms of how many times you can visit with your college student. I assure you that trips to the campus will become fewer as he/she advances. The first year is the most difficult for all concerned as adjustments to being away from family and friends is most exaggerated. For the majority of students attending college, there are a few rough times, but the transition is made and all adjust to the differences in family routine. Just remember, colleges and universities do not always capture your student for all twelve months of the year, there is the summer time adjustment to this almost educated adult who has missed a number of the household routine adjustments.

All colleges and universities have a residence life and/or student life staff that deals with difficult situations. BEFORE YOU MAKE A TRIP TO THE CAMPUS TO RESOLVE A PROBLEM, you might want to have your student talk with the building manager or the Director of Housing. If that does not produce results and you are very concerned about what may be occurring, the Vice President/Dean for Student Affairs is one person you should be able to contact.

In today's fast pace world of events, there can be tragedies that occur on a college campus. Hopefully, that will not be the case for your family. Occasionally, the outside world becomes part of campus life and causes loss or hardship. Working with University officials is always a good place to begin. Frustrations do occur when expectations are not met but there should be opportunities to resolve that when both parties talk it through.

University judicial processes incorporate many of the same forms of representation that our legal system utilizes. It is never easy to listen to situations that have occurred when young people make inappropriate decisions because of alcohol or drugs. It is even more difficult for a father to learn about his daughter's behavior when the young man is sitting across the conference table talking about that night.

I am reminded of all too many situations that a student has tried to hurt himself/herself and it is an attempt to alert all of us to the pain he/she may be experiencing. Those visits are difficult and mom and dad need to be a part of the solution. Students need to learn to take care of themselves by asking for help. A college/university may not have all of the services that are needed in a time of crisis, but officials can be of great assistance in helping you determine what is the best course of action.

Illnesses are often times a warning signal that the stress of a new environment and being away from support mechanisms, even a younger brother or sister, is beginning to take its toll. The first two years are the most common time for mono or persistent colds and sore throats. Sufficient rest and healthy eating habits insure a better sense of well being. This can be achieved even when students live in a residence hall and eat in the dining hall.

Growing Into Your New Role as a Parent of a College Student

If it were as easy as reading this article or a list of do's and don'ts, you might not need to consider the expense of sending a student to college in the first place. You are the expert in dealing with your student no matter what the situation. You have had eighteen years or more of experience in knowing how to cope and how to help him/her with concerns. That learning process cannot be forgotten just because he/she is miles away from you. He/she is still in need of your reassurance and care. Keep the credit card handy for those occasions that merit something special.

Whether or not you have stopped to think about how much you have learned and grown as a parent, there has been a lot of improvement throughout the years. You have weathered the school bus, soccer or little league trips have been enjoyable upon completion, the first bicycle became the first car all too soon, the trips to the Emergency Room when they were little was replaced all too quickly with traveling to a distant town's hospital to find out what went wrong, and amazingly the first report card has become a message from the Dean of the College hopefully with a letter of congratulations for graduating from a college/university.

Take a moment or two to share with your spouse what you have accomplished with your student, or all eight of them, now in college and succeeding. You have been responsible for getting him/her there and for making certain the future will be even better. While the diploma is given to the student, parents deserve a certificate for being a "Great Parent," who managed to produce a terrific young adult. I am grateful to the many moms and dads who helped us by understanding that each child is different and if we work together we will all enjoy graduation day.

About the Author

Dr. Linda D. Koch is the Vice President for Student Affairs at Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania. She has served as the senior student affairs officer since 1987. Dr. Koch has also worked in Connecticut, Ohio and two other Universities in Pennsylvania, East Stroudsburg and Shippensburg Universities. She has worked in residence halls, international student office, financial aid and counseling services since 1972.

She earned the doctorate from The Pennsylvania State University in Higher Education, a master's degree in counseling and student personnel from Ohio University and master's and Bachelor of Arts degrees from East Stroudsburg State College.

She conducts a special presentation for parents of new students during Lock Haven's summer orientation program. The title of the presentation is "Letting Go of Your Parental Roles." Dr. Koch would welcome your comments and messages at her website (http://www.lhup.edu/~lkoch) or through her email address lkoch@lhup.edu.