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Parental Guide on Sending Your "Baby" to College By
Joanne T. Wells, Ph.D. Sending your son or daughter off to college can be an anxiety provoking experience. As a former director of a university Counseling Center, one of my job responsibilities was to give a talk each spring to the parents of newly accepted students. Since I had also recently sent my last child off to college, thus creating an empty nest for me, a single parent, my remarks reflect both a personal and professional experience. I first began my research into what I wanted to convey by reading on the topic of "departure" as Ellen Galinsky labeled it in her book "The Six Stages of Parenthood". Then I stumbled upon a very appropriate book entitled "Letting Go: A Parents Guide to Understanding the College Years" Ed III by Karen L. Coburn and Madge L. Treeger. I highly recommend this book to you for knowledge and self-support. As an aside I can remember I used to refer to books on developmental topics when I was a brand new inexperienced parent. I was a Dr. Spock fan (for younger parents, he is not Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame) or I used some of the Gesell Institute books on timing about when teeth come in, when a child begins sitting up, walking, talking with few words advancing to sentences, etc. I was looking up some sequence of learning once and came across a discussion on childhood lying - i.e. misrepresenting or stretching the "truth." I remember being enormously relieved to find out lying was quite "normal" at that age, in fact, my daughter had even lied at an earlier age. Of course, I had been wrestling with terrible guilt because I was fearful I might have failed as a parent for not having instilled appropriate moral values and principles. I tell you this little story about sequencing and stages because I feel that it illustrates the point that we need to step back and take a longer view of our parenting role as we enter a new phase of letting go. Galinsky suggests that as our children move out and live away from home for the first time, letting go is tough. It's a time for parents to take stock — look back at successes, failures from the past and try to figure out how you are going to play your next role as your sons and daughters enter their next role. It is similar to putting them on the bus to kindergarten with tears welling in one's eyes: "My baby is going away all by himself/herself," and I must tell you in all honesty that I cried all the way home after delivering my son to college. One of your first concerns will be where will your child be living next year? Will your daughters or sons be living away from home - either on or off campus? Will she/he be commuting? For those living on campus and if it is close to home, it's often described as a "suitcase" college by those who go home on the weekends. Don't be concerned if yours does and brings the filled laundry bag with them. If she/he lives on campus - be sure to give instructions on washing lights and darks separately, especially about those reds. Many a student has ended with lots of pink clothes and underwear - pink jockey shorts unintentionally. A good gift is a role of quarters! For those who live at home and commute to classes, both parents and students need to redefine their expectations - all need to realize this is a different experience from being in high school. College expectations are more varied, in depth, require more study and flexibility. Their home responsibilities need to be redefined and re-negotiated. They may not be able to maintain all their former chores, especially if they also have an outside job too. An important part of college life is to become involved in extra curricular activities to feel more of a part of things. If they fall into the habit of just zipping onto campus, eating lunch in their car, and going straight home, they will miss a very important component of the college experience. They do need to be formulating new independent definitions of themselves just as those living in the residence halls will learn their new adjustments. An idea for you who have commuter students to aid in this process might be to write out a contract with your son/daughter regarding the expectations and rules for living there under a new framework. Be sure to write in pencil. Open up discussions with "what do you think are some new rules we might discuss about your living here next year?" You can list your expectations as well. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to talk about meals - if the son or daughter is going to be in attendance at the evening meal or not. Don't be afraid to tell them "You're on your own if you change your mind." Coming home times - do they have their own key? Is there a curfew hour or can you let that be open ended as will be the case for those who live on campus? If they are not coming home tonight, do you want to know that and do you ask where they will be? Or do you let that go because of their maturity level? If not at 18, is there an age that is "right" to do this? How scary it is to know how much they really are in charge of at this point. When considering the anxiety and uncertainty surrounding this area, your natural impulse is to hold on, cling to our old rules, our previous roles. "Do it because I say so." A tough, touching transition. I can drive myself crazy asking - well, when is the right/ready time if not now? Another consideration is how do you personally feel as a parent as you anticipate your son or daughter's leaving home? Is it good news/bad news, pride/sorrow, relief/pleasure, turbulent/poignant, loneliness/freedom? Probably some of all these feelings pop up from time to time and multiple feelings can happen at the same time. Your feelings will change lots in the next four years as will your student's. So what happens to you as a parent with an empty nest or partially empty nest? How do you redefine your identity or fill the void left in your life when you used to chat over the last of a meal, ask when she/he will be in tonight? or watch them go, answer their many phone calls. What will it be like to have your phone available? How will you adjust to this as you anticipate it today? Some of the research suggests that it's not so much the fact that this departure happens, but whether it happens in the way we parents expect or imagine it will happen. Are our images unfulfilled? What's it going to be like at home for you? When they are gone, will you expect lots of weekend consultations, fairly consistent check-in times? Suppose your student withdraws and communicates only in monosyllables when you initiate the call? All we hear is "I'm tired - can't talk now." So what do we do? Go into our "Are you getting enough sleep, are you eating properly, did you take your vitamins today?" Shut down is sure to occur! What will be your primary form of communication? E-mail or letters? - how often? Must you write one to get one? Send clippings - chatty news - say I love you, I miss you, the dog misses you, your room is so empty. Phone? - how often? Whose tab? What time of day? Their preferred time might be the wee hours of the night. I can assure you their least preferred is early morning!! What can you expect to hear about in these communiques? From my experience it's a very strange process in which you must be an active caring listener who passes no judgement. If you cross the line of caring into intruding or advising, the conversation is over! So it's a very delicate line to tread. I'd suggest empathic responses such as "that sounds like a tough problem" or "you must have been real mad/upset/whatever about that." "What do you see as the advantages and disadvantages of each way?" "What would that mean about your credits each semester?" "How would that fit into your job/major?" Listen and ask open-ended questions. Your child probably is in need of a sounding board more than a definitive answer. And remember, they often times only talk with parents at "down" times and reserve "up" time for their friends and colleagues. Keep that concept in mind. What's the house going to be like for you at home with his or her room quiet, empty, and clean? Or was there a mad scramble among other family members for room swapping? Be sure to talk about this ahead of time and especially holiday times when she/he will be returning and BEFORE it happens. Your sense of self-identity can begin to be fulfilled in a different way now that your parenting responsibilities are changing. You and your spouse may redefine your new identity as a couple - or if you are a single parent, do you have new energy to seek other relationships and experiences? You may even surprise yourself and like your new sense of space. When my son left, meals were lonely at first. I soon adjusted and loved my new freedom from regular meals. If I were shopping I'd have a bite at the mall or wherever and keep on shopping! That doesn't have to be seen as a negative or indicate a lack of love in any way. Things will be different in ways you can predict and in ways you might never predict. For example, what will you say when your son comes home with piercing(s) in his nose, tongue, ear, eyebrow? Or a tattoo? Or your daughter has a new and drastic hair cut, or a row of piercings up the edge of her earlobe or her tongue? Or even shorter skirts? My son came home with his ear pierced and I mistakenly asked him where he went to have it done..."Oh one night during a party" obviously not under sterile conditions. The human body's immune system is a wonderful thing! Some may come home with a new identity in the form of their name. He'd left home as "Chuck" to the family and friends and now he's "Charles" or Susie has returned as Suzanne. Yes, things will be different. But let's bring this into the present - not even next year. How about this summer - what can you expect might happen? You see, all we are talking about and thinking about, raising our awareness about - they also have things going on in their heads too. They are anticipating - imagining if you will. You cannot see inside their heads - you can observe what they do - you may see some of the following:
These 3 months this summer help you get over any separation anxiety - quickly! Observe how well they pack to leave - the night before? weeks before? half-heartedly? take only jeans? Or only what the car will hold around the sound and computer system? I am simply saying - don't go back into your guilt trip of where did I go wrong like me and the lying kid story. We as parents most often say the reason for our kids not turning out like our expectations are that "I gave them too much", "I gave them too little", "should I have used a stronger hand - or a lighter touch?" So when school starts and they are home for the first weekend you may hear another verse of this behavior:
The theme you may recognize: again when uncertain of ourselves, we often tend to blame others or outside circumstances. In bringing this even closer to home, I challenge you to begin your own research today. On the way home in the car, after your first visit after being accepted to the college, ask how their day went. Here is the important part, listen to their responses, listen for the themes in their chatter, and check yourself out. What will your response be? Will you try to rescue, save, solve? - or will you make the leap into being a helpful listener by responding with an open ended empathic response such as "sounds like you've had a hard day" - "what do you think you'll do about that?' "When will you find out more?" Try hard not to shut off the communication or whip the car around saying "I'll go back there and tell that dean a thing or two!" In closing I want you to read an excerpt from "Letting Go" which may help you get a sense of what it's like to be in your son or daughter's shoes. "Imagine yourself standing at your front door with your bags packed, ready to leave on a long-awaited journey. This is a special trip, different from the family vacations or business travels you are accustomed to. You are leaving behind everyone you know and moving to a new place where you have made a commitment to spend the next four years of your life. When you arrive in this strange place, you look around and see a landscape of unfamiliar faces. A lot of these people talk differently from you; they have strange accents and use expressions you've never heard before. Some of them wear clothes that are different too. They all look smart, confident, and outgoing. No one here knows anything about the status you had in you previous position - or about any of your past accomplishments. You're not too sure where anything is or who might be able to help you. You have to share a small room with a perfect stranger. There are no set guidelines about bedtime, use of the phone, stereo, radio, or entertaining guests. You have to negotiate everything. You have more work to do than ever before, but you're not too sure how you will be evaluated or what people will want from you. You may not get your first evaluations for many weeks. You have a lot of unscheduled time and there are plenty of distractions: sports centers, concerts, movies, parties, clubs-and lots of attractive potential partners. You have to handle financial and housekeeping matters that used to be done for you or, at least, you shared. You're not too sure where your work and new relationships are heading and you don't know where or how you will ever fit into this new place. But everyone has told you that your whole future depends on your doing well during these four years --preferably better than those other bright, confident looking people who live here with you." This is the freshman's journey. Think about this when you're ready to strangle them. My wish for you is a successful transition into your next parental role with the knowledge that in letting go, you are beginning the process of connecting in new and different ways. References: Coburn, Karen Levin and Madge Lawrence Treeger. Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years. Third Edition. New York: Harper Perennial, 1977. Galinsky, Ellen. The Six Stages of Parenthood. Reading: Addison Wesley Publishing Company, Inc. 1987. About the Author Joanne T. Wells, Ph.D. is newly retired after 22 years in the Western Connecticut State University Counseling Center (17 as director). In addition to being the administrator in charge of the university's mental health issues, she specialized in the use of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as a versatile campus tool for use with students in residence halls, choosing a major, relationships, and groups. In her retirement she plans to develop an active consulting practice using MBTI. Topics may include: educational settings for teaching and learning styles, team building, leadership development, religious settings, parenting and relationship issues and one on one personal use. She has a daughter, a son, and three grandchildren. She is a Unitarian Universalist and lives in Bethel, Connecticut. |
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